How to Write Hate Mail

If you ever read the Opinions page, you may have noticed that both myself and fellow music critic Kevin Doran get a lot of negative Letters to the Editor addressed to us. And, while I certainly appreciate the feedback, I've noticed that some of you don't really understand the proper way to address a music critic via letter, so I'm going to give some basic guidelines.

1.) Be sure to complain when a critic criticizes.
I often get letters calling me "biased," claiming I'm inserting my own opinion into my reviews and failing to be objective. I often get mixed-up when I'm called upon to review an album or concert and oftentimes even insert my own opinion on the work of art. It's easy for me to forget that I get sent to concerts with the job of being a parrot for public opinion and to give the fanboy with the band's posters all over his room a few inches in which I echo his sentiments. I get a little confused now and then and work under the impression that I'm supposed to be "reviewing" or "criticizing" a band when I write a "review" or act as a "critic." So, the first step of any successful hate mail is calling me out for inserting my own evaluation.

2.) Make sure to point out that we don't have record deals.
It's true, I am not the member of a famous rock band, so clearly I have no room to criticize other musicians if I can't do what they do. Now, you might be asking "But Dustin, why can Angels and Airwaves sing about world affairs and politics? Did Tom DeLonge get a degree in political science? Does Toby Keith have an automotive background that gives him a valid reason to support Ford trucks on-stage?" To which I reply: don't be silly. Artists don't need to have first-hand experience in whatever they give their opinion on. That's just music critics.

3.) If the fans liked it, it was quality work.
If a crowd cheers a lot or a lot of people buy a record, a critic should ignore all other factors and give it a glowing review. Under this new policy, my revised review of the Fergie album (Grade: A+) will debut in Friday's Arts in Review. Next semester, film and music reviews will be replaced by box office figures and Billboard charts, which are better barometers of quality than critics.

These are just a few tips to help you in your quest to write hate mail and keep critics like me on our toes. I'm looking forward to reading next semester's crop of letters, and let me know if there are any techniques I left out. Happy reading!